I spent 7 years in a cult.

For 6 of those years, I didn't even realize it.

This wasn't one of those blatant cults like you see on Netflix. There was no physical abuse, sexual promiscuity, or drug abuse.

At least not yet.

After all, most cults start off small, somewhat innocent, and even helpful to people.

To be a part of one that started off very small and with great intentions (at least as I perceived it at the time), and to witness it turn into what it is today, was life-changing.

7 Life Lessons from My Cult Life

#1: What it Means to Trust Myself

This is by far the most important lesson I learned.

A challenging lesson to learn in a cult-like environment. It’s not easy to trust yourself when the "all-knowing" megalomaniac leader is present.

In one instance, they teach you how to connect to your intuition and go "all-in" on its communication. The only catch is, your intuition had better align with the leader's agenda. If it doesn’t, the seeds of doubt are then planted:

• "Are you sure that is what you want?"

• "That may be an old pattern of yours…"

• "I would meditate on that more."

• "Don't you think you’re capable of more?"

• "You really think that will make you happy?"

• "OK, when that doesn't go well, remember that you didn't listen to me."

This is very common in today’s society, and it manifests in different ways.

Society, some family dynamics, and educational institutions condition us to not trust ourselves. Our culture and communities often tell us that our best is never good enough.

The biggest realization I’ve had about trusting oneself is that you don't always have to be "right."

When you trust yourself, one of two things occur:

• You learn a valuable lesson

• You were correct and succeed

When you trust yourself and things don't go your way, it’s not a sign that you can’t trust yourself.

These are learning opportunities. Experience is what strengthens your intuition. The most important muscle to condition is the act of trusting yourself.

Integrating new information along the path is how you calibrate and train your intuitive capacity.

Here’s the most effective process for training your intuition:

1. Trust Yourself & Intuition

2. Take Action

3. Pay Attention & Integrate New Information (+ or - )

4. Trust Yourself Even More Next Time

My intuition to join this Personal Development organization was spot on. I'm glad I trusted it. I learned lessons that trained abilities within myself that were only possible in that environment.

But then I started to get communications from myself that something was off—signs and signals that I should leave the organization. I ignored them way too long. I did not trust myself, and I suffered.

The day I decided to go all in on trusting myself, I left the organization.

To date, those were two of the best decisions I've ever made in my life: joining the organization and leaving the organization.

Both were moments of trusting myself.

#2: How to Spot a Narcissist

One common trait in all cults is the Megalomaniac leader, which goes hand in hand with being a narcissist.

What made it challenging for me was the way the leader would wrap a veil of "selflessness" and "philanthropy" around his narcissistic behavior.

I have found this to be common with narcissists. It’s part of their gaslighting strategy.

Statements like these were very common:

• "I share my incredible gifts with you because I love and care for each and every one of you."

• "Remember where you were when you first met me? You were half dead. Now look at you. Just keep coming back."

There were also moments when flashes of their arrogance and self-importance would emanate:

• "I don't need to be doing this with you people. You are the ones that need me, I don't need you."

• "You are not ready for me to take you to the next level. I don't see that you are ALL-IN and fully committed."

These statements are all about the Narcissist. They are always reminding you what he/she has done for you and bake in this idea that you owe them something.

And then there’s the Narcissist’s greatest weapon: gaslighting.

This is one of the ways I’ve seen Narcissists manipulate people to gain power or control over someone.

Gaslighting can manifest as incessant reminders that the Narcissist knows you better than you do, knows what’s best for you, and positions themselves as the authority in your life.

And when things don't go well, it’s either that you didn't listen to them, or you didn't execute their advice properly.

There is never any accountability taken for anything negative. The only accountability they take is the credit for any positive outcomes in your life.

#3: The Danger of Letting Go of Emotions

The curriculum of this organization taught individuals the following steps when dealing with emotions:

1. Feel their emotion fully

2. Breath for 90 seconds

3. Let the emotion go

4. Focus on getting into a "loving state"

5. Take action ONLY from love

At first, this was very empowering. It gave people a way to escape the pain of emotions they couldn’t navigate out of.

What I learned was that this came at a cost.

The idea was you should NEVER take any action from a "fear-based" space.

Although there is value in these steps at times, I have found they can too often create disconnection. The disconnection is between you and your body's innate communication system.

When you disconnect from this communication, you disconnect from yourself.

The problem was that we were not only trained to let go of emotion but also to disregard its communication.

If you ever said anything, no matter how valid or on-point your communication was, you were told to disregard it if you weren’t in a completely serene state.

If you were truly acting from love, you would never let go of the communications from your body. The body is on your side. Therefore, disregarding this communication is the same as betraying yourself.

All emotions are a communication. They are either saying, STOP, CAUTION, or PROCEED.

The stop and caution emotions are usually the ones referred to as "negative emotions." And in the context of the organization I was in, they are called "fear-based states."

To cut off “stop and caution” emotions by breathing for 90 seconds is assuming a dangerous thing. The assumption is that "fear-based" emotions are communicating thoughts that are "out of alignment" with your "higher self" (the highest version of yourself).

These are the kinds of absolute statements that I have learned to become very weary of. This categorical framing leaves you vulnerable to manipulation.

Manipulation from outside sources:

"Oh, that's just fear and self-doubt talking. If you are really committed to your vision, you would align with confidence, quit your job, and start your own business."

Or the manipulation of ourselves:

"I shouldn't be so angry that my partner cheated on me. I need to align myself with compassion and forgive them."

Both of these scenarios negate the communications of the "fear-based" emotions.

Fear and self-doubt are communicating important things.

1. FEAR: Leaving a secure job has risks, and making sure you have covered the downside is a smart thing to address.

2. SELF-DOUBT: Maybe you don't have the capacity to start your own business and need to get clear on what you need to learn to make it work.

Anger often communicates injustices—things that are NOT ok.

Feeling angry when a partner is unfaithful is a very healthy response. It signals that an injustice occurred and needs to be addressed. Addressing the injustice can look a variety of ways, but honoring the anger and listening to what it’s communicating is an essential step.

An important thing to point out:

There is a difference between integrating the communication of anger and taking action from anger. I am not saying to act out your anger. I am saying to not dismiss it completely.

In both scenarios, the communications are there to support you, not sabotage you.

Integrating emotional communication is what you need to learn, not shutting them off.

#4: The Darkest Parts of You Have a Place

Another major theme in this organization was that you had "parts of you" that were destructive that you had to get rid of.

Phrases like, "I've dropped that," would echo through the community when a member "did their work."

This usually happened after attending their "special" $6,000 weekend program for those who were truly ready "to drop" a destructive part of themselves.

The idea was that if you "did your work" and committed to the process, that part of you would be gone. You'd finally be free!

The truth is, you can’t get rid of any part of who you are, no matter how dark that part may be.

This unfortunately led to people "relapsing” and believing they were doing something wrong. That they failed. That they needed to do MORE inner work.

Some individuals went through the $6,000 weekend intensive 10+ times. They had “big karma” to tend to.

I went through this weekend intensive myself a few times, and I observed all of them for years.

I also connected with these individuals on a 1-1 basis after their experience. Here were the common themes.

1. They found it helpful to express the emotions of these darker spaces and give them a voice. Many of them felt much better.

2. Individuals were all terrified it was going to come back. The message they all received was that as long as they continued to "do their work," it wouldn't come back.

3. Those who were not able to express their emotions, for whatever reason, came away thinking they did something wrong. Mostly because of the subtle and not-so-subtle shaming that was common by the facilitator. They felt defeated and worse off.

What I learned was that all aspects and parts of who you are have utility value and a place in your lives.

The key is to become aware of them, have compassion for them, accept them, and find the proper place for them in your life.

#5: The Good & The Bad of Confirmation Bias

Confirmation bias is an incredibly powerful tool. A tool, like any tool, that can used for good or evil.

It’s amazing that simply repeating something over and over again turns it into a fact, regardless of what that something is.

This tool is a staple in cult-like communities. Statements, perspectives, or opinions of the leader, are repeated enough throughout the community until they become facts.

This is continually reinforced in these communities to the point that ANYONE outside of the community who offers a different perspective, even close family members and friends, is completely disregarded as “they just don’t get it.”

I had countless people very close to me try to share with me that what was going on in this community needed to be questioned or, at the very least, explored.

I completely disregarded these invitations only to later realize that I had been “brainwashed” by confirmation bias.

When a perspective or opinion is perceived as a fact, it is no longer questioned. Furthermore, if anyone dares to question these "facts," they are ridiculed and shamed for being “less evolved.”

We all have our own opinions that we relate to as facts. Through confirmation bias, we confirm these opinions to continually reinforce them.

Conscious engagement with confirmation bias can be useful. But it’s important to make sure your confirmation bias is not preventing you from looking at situations objectively.

A useful first step is to consider opposing viewpoints. This decreases the probability of overlooking vital information.

After looking at all the information, you can move forward with the beliefs that feel most aligned with your goals. From there, you can reinforce these beliefs using confirmation. And at the same time, periodically measuring outcomes, results, and your experience in case calibrations are needed.

And most of all, trusting yourself. If something doesn’t feel right, it most likely isn’t.

#6: The Dark Side of Acceptance

Acceptance, if used incorrectly, is a coping mechanism. Instead of addressing the issue, you delude yourself into thinking everything is fine.

An old Buddhist teaching states that attachment is the root of all suffering. This is commonly referred to when the idea of acceptance is discussed.

“It is what it is.”

Although this can be extremely beneficial in certain circumstances, there is a dark side to acceptance.

One particularly dangerous application of acceptance is when you are told you “should” accept a person or situation that you are NOT ok with.

The fact is, there are certain behaviors and situations that are not OK and that we should never be OK with.

If accepting a behavior and situation puts you in a position where you are tolerating this behavior or situation, it can be very detrimental.

“Accepting” that an individual’s behavior is destructive and not taking action to remove yourself from the situation and/or do everything you can to stop this individual from behaving this way is NOT helpful.

If we just “accepted” everything the way it was, then we would never see individuals like Adolf Hitler be brought to justice.

There is also a place where “self-acceptance” can retard our growth and evolution.

If you treat other people poorly, hurt, or harm others, then this is something that you should feel shame about. “Accepting” that this is just who you are, and not understanding that aspect of yourself so it can evolve in the best way, is exactly when acceptance is dangerous.

#7: How to Pick a Mentor

I have had two types of mentors in my life:

1. The ones that teach and mentor you to empower you, with the goal to go beyond what they have achieved.

2. And the ones that teach and mentor you to show you how much they know, to remind you that they are superior to you.

When I start apprenticing underneath my mentors, I tend to go all in with them, for better or worse. I often give my full trust to them and default to their guidance. This has always served me up to a point.

I know I became heavily in their favor because of this complete devotion to their guidance, which was extremely beneficial for access. It’s unfortunate because the trust I handed over to them was always under the assumption that they had my best interest in mind.

It was reading the following passage from Robert Greene’s “Mastery” that gave me the helpful perspective and permission to trust myself to move on:

And this was exactly what was happening to me. Towards the end of my time with this organization, I felt more disconnected from myself. All of the communications coming through were telling me something was seriously wrong here and I needed to reevaluate.

I believe that my mentor and his team started to sense this. They started to tighten the screws on me to “get me focused", which was essentially an attempt to control me.

Idle threats started to come my way. I was starting to be told that “If I didn’t fall in line, I wouldn’t be able to teach weekend programs.”

I was constantly told that I wasn’t as capable as I thought I was, that I still had so much to learn, had no ability to focus, was all over the place, and that I was basically nothing without my teacher.

It became very clear that this guidance was no longer about what was best for me and my growth, it was all about controlling me to be molded into one of their mindless soldiers who questioned nothing.

Bottomline:

When selecting a mentor, you should always feel empowered and more capable after working with them, not disempowered and feeling more dependent on them.

Above All, Trust Yourself

You don’t have to be in a cult to see how these lessons can apply to your everyday life.

Countless voices in society seek to control us or sway us against our best interests. But as long as you practice trusting in yourself and listen to what your emotions are communicating, you can always find your own way and rise above those trying to control you.

So when you find yourself in doubt, keep these lessons in mind.

Yours in Vitality,

Matt