Depression is Not What You Think it Is.

If you had met me for the first time a few months ago on this particular day, you would have said, “Matt is depressed.”

In that moment, I felt so down, lethargic, hopeless, and sad. I could not have told you why. As a matter of fact I would have told you I was “fine.”

Historically, when I feel this way, I tend to do a few things—eat chocolate or cereal, pace around the house, scroll my phone, or watch TV.

I was aware that something was off on this particular day, and I consciously did not engage in those activities. I thought a lack of sleep may be a contributor and decided to go to bed early.

That night, I woke up around 2am and could not go back to sleep. Those same feelings I had were now amplified, and I was very restless.

When this has happened in the past, I usually would go downstairs, eat a bowl of cereal, and go back to sleep.

This night, I decided to try something else.

Instead of sitting at the kitchen table, I sat down on the couch.

I grabbed my journal and favorite pen and I started writing.

I wrote every thought, feeling, sensation, belief, and emotion I was aware of on that piece of paper.

I started out with two columns—the emotions I was feeling in one column, and thoughts and beliefs I was aware of in another column. Pictured below:

There were some familiar thoughts and emotions at the surface:

But I was just getting started.

After sitting there writing for 90 minutes, I had a detailed 5-and-a-half-page description of what was happening inside of me.

Nothing I wrote down was pleasant nor easy to admit was happening. Not to mention how uncomfortable it was to stare it in the face. After writing out every thought, belief, feeling, and sensation I could name, I took a second, looked at the pages of notes, and thought to myself:

I then realized that was another thought, and I wrote that down.

At this point, I was pretty cooked. I couldn’t believe it was past 3:30 am! I closed my journal, went upstairs, crawled into bed, and passed out. The next morning, I woke up and noticed something immediately.

I felt lighter. More grounded.

“Hmmm . . . that’s interesting,” I thought to myself.

None of “my issues” had been addressed, yet I felt more grounded and settled within myself. And after doing my morning journal reflection, I felt even better.

For the last 10 years, I have facilitated groups through exercises like this and always found them to be helpful. The difference, this time, was I didn’t spend hours dissecting what I had written and evolving every thought and belief to “make them better.” All I did was get them out on paper and face them.

I just acknowledged and went face to face with these very uncomfortable thoughts, beliefs, and ideas about myself.

Why was I feeling better? What did this do?

And it hit me: It got me more CONNECTED to ME.

Connected to the experience of what was happening inside of me. I felt more grounded through this connection (even though being connected was very uncomfortable).

This connection back to myself is WHY I felt lighter.

I didn’t have to fix anything to feel more grounded. I needed to slow down, pay attention, and face what was happening. It was very refreshing and empowering.

Turns out, there’s a reason why this is the case:

Our Ability to Self-Regulate

Self-regulation is the ability to create a feeling of safety and calm within yourself.

One of the primary ways we self-regulate is by being connected to ourselves. You can think of self-regulation as grounding an electrical circuit. Grounding an electrical circuit stabilizes the system so it doesn’t catch fire.

When you aren’t connected to yourself, you’re not grounded, and your nervous system is on fire.

What does a “nervous system on fire” look like?

It looks like anxiety, overwhelm, anger, frustration, and fear.

All of these emotions are signaling to you that something is wrong!

Being aware and connected to these communications are critical for survival, because they are designed to help us navigate our way out of dangerous or harmful situations. This connection to yourself is what is referred to as Authenticity and is a basic human need.

Authenticity is the ability to feel safe being yourself, and it’s critical for your survival.

This connection to yourself is often threatened by your need to be accepted by others (which was developed in our childhood).

As a child, you are incapable of surviving on your own. You must get the environment to accept you so that it takes care of you. This need to be accepted, known as the Attachment Drive, overrides the need for Authenticity—although both are critical for a child to experience.

When these needs do not evolve properly throughout childhood, it can be very destructive to you as an adult.

World-renowned Physician and Author Dr. Gabor Mate describes the conflict between the primal needs of Attachment and Authenticity:

Dr. Gordan Neufeld, a renowned Child Psychologist, identified that a “child must feel an invitation to exist in our presence, exactly the way they are.” This is one of the first ways our nervous system learns how to regulate itself.

“EXACTLY the way they are” means any way you feel at any moment. This includes moments when you feel the things I wrote down in my journal. If your environment doesn’t create room for this experience, you will suppress it and disconnect from this authentic expression.

When you disconnect from this authentic expression to please others or to not be judged, you disconnect from yourself.

The ironic part of this dynamic is when you disconnect from yourself to please or be accepted by others (a form of connection), you are incapable of truly connecting the way you yearn to connect, because you’re not even connected to yourself!

The REAL Pandemic

This disconnection to ourselves is the pandemic we should be most concerned about.

Being disconnected from yourself is 1000x worse than any virus. At least a virus is tangible and brings you into the present moment. Living a life of being disconnected from yourself is living the life of the Walking Dead:

Numbed out, going through the motions, wishing the day away, and taking any “hit” of pleasure one can find.

The other day, I overheard two adults brainstorming ways to “make the day go by faster.” It’s a vicious cycle perpetuated by constant fear-mongering and the abundance of ways to distract oneself from being connected.

These distractions include:

• Things you should be doing that you aren’t doing

• Things you need to have that you don’t have

• Dangerous things you need to protect yourself from

This keeps our attention externally focused, creating an experience that makes it unsafe to sit still and be with yourself. “There’s just too much to do, and it isn’t safe!”

You have also been conditioned to believe that the “Success Formula” is the template that must be followed.

Go to school, do well, find a mate, get married, have kids, make money, stay in a job whether you like it or not, go on vacations 1-2x/year, retire as soon as possible, and then enjoy life . . . assuming there is enough “health” left.

This “one size fits all” template is all-consuming and keeps us VERY busy.

I share all this with you because I want nothing more than you to FREE yourself from any of these ideologies and templates you’ve been forced to fit into. That voice inside of you that is whispering to you that something is off, something is missing, something is not right . . . listen to it.

It is your authentic self telling you to pay attention.

It may be the reason why you don’t feel settled.

It’s time to take back control of your life.

Get back into the driver’s seat. Start to feel empowered again. Begin to design YOUR life’s template.

You don’t need to make drastic or extreme changes (although there is time for this). For now, just focus on changing the trajectory. Start moving in the direction of being more connected to yourself a little more each day.

All of this is possible by simply starting with self-reflection.

Permit yourself to start by facing yourself. Doing 5-10 minutes of journaling in the morning and at night is a great place to start. See where you are after doing it for 10 days.

Then, pay attention to what happens. Be present for the experience.

In the words of my Qigong teacher, “Its just life happening. It’s all good.”

Be present with it. I know you have the ability to face whatever is there. It’s time to start LIVING your life.

Don’t wait another minute.

Yours in Vitality,

Matt